Never Close Enough
by Dawnandspike4eva
Summary: She could feel his nails digging into her skin. It still wasn't close enough. Never close enough. She she didn't let herself whimper, because it still wasn't close enough.


Authors Note: So this is probably the end. I could have put it into chapters but it would have been short ones so I didn't. I hope you enjoy it and please review. Much love to everyone. -Kirsten-

**Never Close Enough **

Breathing faster. Can't stop trying to run from them. Trying not to understand the pain. Because pain is like this constant crippling entity. The only problem with it is people expect that no matter how much pain your in you should continue life like your just fine. Dawn was tired of the pain. Exhausted from the affliction. Only wished that it would all end. Just wished the pain would wear off eventually. That was a vain hope. Because the pain only ate away at her. Only chipped away at her existence. Only tried to kill her. Because if it actually killed her then the pain would have ended. But It only tried to kill her. Because she was still alive and she could feel all of it. Every second of the endless searing pain. Why wouldn't it just end. This waisted life was not worth living. Her friends didn't care her family didn't care. None of them realized the constant pain she was in. Almost like they didn't care. Didn't want to face the fact that his death killed her. And not them. That they could all go one without him, but she couldn't. She cried so often now that it was almost normal. Almost like a routine. The tears were just there, just like her.

Trying to go through each day when the scoobies tried to pretend like they cared was almost useless. Because none of them realized what he was to her. He was her best friends, her partner. They made it through the hard times together. That summer when Buffy had died. They spent every waking minute together. And they grew to know everything about each other. They had really become best friends. No matter what the others tried to twist it into. Sure Dawn loved Spike, and sure it was more then a platonic love. But Spike never knew that. So in retrospect they were really just best friends. They leaned on each other when things seamed like they were too hard to bare. They made sure the other knew how special they really were. How they were better then the rest of them. And they really were. The only two who felt enough to care. The only two who cared enough to feel. The only two outcasts, and the only ones who really knew what life was about. Not about the minutes you spend stressing about the future, or the things you did in your past. It's about the present. And what you do now, to make yourself and the others around you happy. Because as long as your happy the meaning of life doesn't matter. But that's really the point in the end.

When Spike died it was like the world stopped spinning. Like the rest of the world was moving but Dawn had stopped. Like she was watching everyone else live, and she was just dying. Because her best friend was gone, her only friend. And to the rest of them it was like another normal die on the hell mouth, just another loss. But to Dawn it was the end of reality. The end of her happiness. Because her best friend, and the man (well vampire) she loved was dead. She never treated him like a demon though always treated him like a man. And that was what he loved about her. What he though made her different then the rest. The way she could be generous, sympathetic, even adoring. And no matter what she was always Dawn always herself. No matter how they all attempted to change her she was still herself. Dawn remembered the nights she spent inside Spike's crypt. The summer after Buffy died. Because they needed each other that summer. Dawn would make Spike hold her tighter. And tighter until he dug into her skin. And it was never close enough. The couldn't get close enough to one another. Spike did what she said, leaving bruises that she begged for. Because he was never close enough.

So every day was just another day. Another hour, another minute, another second, of just existing. Just trying to keep alive. Though it was a waste. Because she didn't want to continue life knowing he was gone. Didn't want to be here in this worthless world. Because without her Big Bad this world was worthless. He was the only thing in the world that made any sense to her. That meant anything to her. Because none of the rest of them cared.

"_Dawn you need to stop moping around here all the time. It's not like you were in love with the guy." Buffy hissed annoyed by her little sister._

"_Maybe I am Buffy." Dawn rolled her eyes._

"_That's ridiculous." She groaned. "Well don't go thinking about trying anything stupid. Because you think you can be with him. He was a demon, an evil dead demon. He wont be in heaven. That thing went to hell for sure." Buffy mocked._

"_Then I'll go to hell with him." Dawn spoke almost yelling, hurt laced in her voice. "Because I don't want to go to a heaven where Spike isn't there. And I don't want to be with a God who would condemn such an amazing person." Dawn stormed away from her sister tears streaming down her cheeks. But she knew there was no way her sister was right. Because there was no way God would send Spike to hell, because he was a hero. He had saved her life, and that was enough, surely that was enough._

They never understood what it was like to love someone so much that there was no place you wanted to be that they weren't there. Because to want to give up heaven and grace your presence in a world of torture that was true love. Gut wrenching honest sincere love.

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Wolf Ram and Heart was always a dry aired place. No one seemed to be happy. Maybe sometimes pleased. But not real happiness. Because that place was made from evil, it was evil. There was no escaping it. Maybe Angel thought it was smart to control and evil place, so that good could rule evil. But it just doesn't work that way. It never does. Because either you banish evil or you kill it, there is no controlling it. When you try it ends up controlling even some of the strongest people.

Angel strolled down the hallway and into his office. Where he found Spike sitting on his desk lighting up a cigarette. He was humming some punk tune and thinking intently about something Angel couldn't place. Then again trying to read Spike's thoughts was damn near impossible there was only one person that could. That ever could. And let me tell you it wasn't Drusilla.

"Spike, your corporeal again, why don't you go annoy someone else?" Angel said dryly, as always.

"I would poof. But you wont give me her address." Spike informed him as he began blowing a puff of his cigarette into Angel's face.

"Spike, there is no way I would ever give you Buffy's address." He spoke as he put a few papers into his desk.

"Not Buffy you wanker." Spike cursed. "I told you, I want to see Dawn." He corrected.

"Sure Spike, sure." Angel mocked.

"You know what Nancy I don't care what you bloody well think." Spike put out the cigarette on Angel expensive oak desk. "I need to see the Nibblet. And if you don't give me the address then I'll find another way eventually." Spike promised.

"Sure." Angel continued with the sarcasm.

_A Few Hours Later_

"Spike why do you want me to help you get her address so bad?" Fred asked confused as she continued messing with her lab documents.

"Because Fred I.." Spike didn't know what to say.

"Just tell me Spike, honesty is the way to go." Fred smiled slightly.

"Dawn is like, an angel. Accept she's not. It's so hard to explain. She's beautiful beyond belief. She's got these intense blue eyes. These full red lips. A pale face that looks as if it were carved out of some kind of stone." Spike paused. "And the things she says. Makes me feel. Treats me like I am a man. Not only that but a good man. One that deserves love and all the happiness I want. She is my angel yet sometimes so dark, filled with so much mischief." Spike smiled. "And I love her." He looked shocked himself at his admittance. Because he did love her. He really did. "I really love her."

Fred looked hurt. Like something had hit her like a ton of bricks. "You, like love love her, or as a friend?" She asked almost hopeful.

"I am deeply in love with this girl. In over my head." Spike smirked. "And the last thing I said to her was she was just a kid." Spike shook his head. "I'm sure she remembers that." He looked sad now. But truth was Dawn didn't remember that, had forgotten it long ago.

"Oh." Fred frowned. "Then I'll try my hardest to pry the address from Angel." Fred smiled slightly. And she would try. Because she was just that kind of person. But things would be harder now. Because Angel would know why she was asking. And so he would refuse. But there were other ways. Of getting her to Spike. Many other ways.

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Dawn sat in the cold taxi and tried not to focus on how strange the taxi driver seemed to be acting. It wasn't like she wasn't prepared for anything. Always was now. Giles had trained her how to fight and she knew what she was doing. But things weren't any easier. Fighting gave her a rush. Something that she needed in her numb life. Because the only thing she felt was heartbreak, and only for Spike, no one else, ever. The cab pulled into her destination and she breathed in deeply.

"Keep the change." Dawn said as she handed the cab driver the money. She climbed out of the cab and shut the door behind her. _You can do this._ She sighed. She walked into the building. So this was her new workplace. Where she would be interning. It was frightening. Because she knew this was also where Angel worked, and probably the only reason she got the job. But hey anyway to get away from the scoobies was reason enough for her.

Spike was in Angels office again when he heard some kind of commotion coming from the lobby. So he figured what hell might as well check it out. He walked out of the office his head down and then he looked up and saw her. His angel, a figment. Because there was no way she was here. It wasn't possible. The dark haired beauty. His Angel. His Nibblet. This was not reality, at least not his. Because he didn't deserve this kind of luck. Though she had always taught him that he did, that he deserved anything he wanted and more. This couldn't be her. She was chatting with Fred. And laughing about something. She hadn't seen him yet, only because she wasn't really there. He had convinced him self she was a figment. Not really there. Then suddenly Fred looked very serious and pointed towards Spike. Not saying much just pointing and then smiling at Spike.

Dawn looked at him and suddenly grew week. This was not real. Spike was dead. Or was he? He couldn't be standing there because he was dead. The amulet it had blown him to pieces. He was dead. Waiting for her wherever he was. But not here. Not alive, not at Wolf Ram and Heart. Dawn's jaw dropped. Her eyes swelled over with tears. Because that was all she knew how to do. Cry. She had become a professional at it actually. Almost made it into an art form. Because there is always beauty in the breakdown. Dawn just stared for a moment. Then her beautiful blue eyes rolled back in her head and she fell to the ground. Swiftly losing consciousness.

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Dawn woke her her body being shaken and a strong voice calling her name. She tried to open her eyes but when she did all she could see was a dream. Spike was holding her in his arms just rocking her gently. Holding her. Like always. Dawn buried her head into his chest and sobbed. She couldn't do anything else. Because this was real not a dream. Spike was alive she didn't want to know how or why. The fact that he was here was enough. He was here. With her. She was alive again. And she could feel. Her heart was mending. Being sewn back together. She would tell him later how much she was in love with him. But now she just wanted him to hold her. Just hold her.

"Dawnie baby." Spike whispered as he kissed the top of her head gently. "You all right?" He asked softly.

"Your alive." She exclaimed.

"Well yeah of course I am. Buffy didn't tell you?" He asked perplexed.

"No." Dawn sighed as she looked up at Spike in confusion. "Buffy knew?" She asked making sniffling sounds.

"Angel said he told her and you." Spike frowned. "He didn't?" Dawn shook her head. "That wanker!" Spike cursed.

"Spike." She tried harder not to cry. "Are you really here?" She asked tears streaming down her face so fast Spike couldn't wipe away all of them.

"Yeah pet." He smiled. "I'm really here."

"Promise me something." She begged speaking over the breathes of air that seemed to becoming fast. The tears were falling so hard that she had those hiccups that come from crying. She was embarrassed beyond belief. "Promise you'll never leave me again."

"I promise." Spike smiled. "I love you my Nibblet." He admitted.

Dawn couldn't tell what he meant. Did he mean a platonic love. Or the way she felt for him. Couldn't tell. Could only pray. So she just leaned against him and let him hold her. Tighter then imaginably possible. Because that was the only way things felt right. When he was holding her so tight that they were as close as they could possibly be. Because close was never close enough. They wanted inside of each other and that still wouldn't be enough. Still wouldn't be close enough. This holding thing was theres. Something so innocent about it. Not like the way Spike was with Buffy. This was pure. It was perfect.

This lasted for hours before either one of them spoke. Because this was beyond what they needed. Just to feel each other. Feel loved. Needed. And they both loved each other. Beyond reality. Because they were almost the same person. Though they could never get close enough.

"Dawn?" Spike asked looking down at her.

"Yeah." She sighed still crying always crying.

"Are you still crying?" He asked touching her chin and making her look at him.

"I guess it just comes natural to me now." Dawn almost laughed but the sound was sick.

"Dawn, you don't need to cry." Spike smiled and held her close once more. "I can't believe your sister didn't tell you. I mean when I talked to her on the phone she sounded like she had already told you." Spike shook his head.

Dawn sat up. He had talked to her on the phone her sister and not her. Always Buffy. Never Dawn. She knew there was no way he could ever love her. Because it was always her sister. Never her. Because no one loved her like they did her sister. And now that she was here. It would all the be the same as before. They would go back to being best friends. But just friends. And now that Dawn had already gone though too much heartache she knew that this was all or nothing. She could no longer be his friend. It was all or nothing now. Because they could never get close enough. Wanted inside each others veins, inside each others skin.

Dawn stood up. "I can't anymore Spike. I missed you so much." There were the tears again. "And this is amazing, just having you hold me. But it's not enough anymore." Dawn sighed and walked off. She could hear him walking behind her. Could hear him calling after her. Because he didn't understand never understood. Couldn't understand that she loved him. Needed him.

"Dawn stop!" He hollered. "Come back here." He caught up to her and spun her body around. "Tell me what this is all about." He demanded holding onto her arms not letting go.

"Spike you talked to my sister. Why not me?" She asked pain tied in her pitch.

"Dawn-"

"Because you still love her." Dawn whined.

"No-" He tried to explain.

"Don't lie to me." She hissed and she could feel his nails digging into her skin. It still wasn't close enough. Never close enough. She she didn't let herself whimper, because it still wasn't close enough. "You still love my sister. And she will never love you. And ya wanna know the kicker. I love you. More then you'll ever know. I need you. And you don't even notice me." Dawn laughed. It wasn't a happy laugh. It was that same sick mewing sound that made Spike tilt his head to the side. Because it was not like Dawn. It almost scared her. It disturbed them both.

"Dawn stop!" Spike hissed. "I love you Nibblet. Please just stop this." He begged now. "I love you." He promised.

"Spike just stop lying." She whined. Because she couldn't believe that he loved her. First that he was still alive and now that he was in love with her. This was not her reality. And she started the sick laughter again.

Spike crushed her mouth with his trying to block out the wretched sound. He did love her. And she loved him. Their lips interlocked and meshed until they couldn't breath. It was still not close enough. Because no matter what they did. They were never close enough.


End file.
